A cave of one's own

Can the idea of the "man room" or "cave" or whatever the fuck they want to call it just die already?

Apartment Therapy has a post up about this growing "phenomenon" asking readers their thoughts on the idea of a "man room." My thoughts are laced with obscenities, but I'll attempt to be more articulate.

First, any talk about a "man room" is bound to be heterocentric because of course it is men who live with women who supposedly need this dudely retreat from the taint of femininity. In this post I am going to focus on the supposed need for a boy's only room for grown male adults who are married to women. The heterocentrism and reliance on stereotypes deserve their own post, along with the class issues (this is primarily a middle class issue). There is another aspect I am going to explore here.

The attention given to the man-cave reflects the idea that men are especially in need of and deserving of space for relaxation that is suited to their interests and comforts. Why don't we think women need a women's room? Because the rest of the house is considered her space. The thinking goes that women are so dominant in the home, that they are so in-charge of that space, that it is their space. I think we're all familiar with the popular complaint that women will decorate and make spaces more feminine, thus ruining them for the men. (If you're not, just watch a week's worth of American sit-coms from the 90's).

What those complaints ignore, of course, is the fact that women are judged differently for their homes than men are. There are pressures on women, especially middle class women, that don't exist for men. Many men claim, for example, that they don't care about mess or clutter, and yet still expect their wives to keep a neat house for their comfort. At the least, they often expect to have clean dishes as they need them, clean and dry towels, clean clothes. This means that women are maintaining "their" space in part for the benefit of others: guests and family both.

The fact is, men do less work in the home while increasingly women do as much work outside of the home. And yet they are still considered more in need of their own space and time to relax, to have their comforts catered to. While space considered belonging to women involves work and stress, and is shared with others, space men supposedly need is centered completely around their needs. (I wonder who cleans up the man cave after the big game?)

A room of one's own is still out of reach for many married women. Men get all kinds of attention for their supposed need for space dedicated entirely to their needs and comfort. But women, whose lives and identities are often erased by their family role, are not expected to need any space dedicated to their comfort. Women who do desire space of their own are considered selfish or silly. A room of one's own for women is still a radical idea.